Drew Barrymore and Sylvester Stallone are filming a movie in my hometown of Ellwood City, PA. I take a trip back and stop into my 3rd cousin's pizza shop, situated in a back street, off the beaten path. The shop is rundown from generations of pizza making, and only a few locals come as customers. However, with the new filming, many of the out-of-town crew have been coming in again and again, raving about the pizzas.

My 3rd cousin, an italian man with pock marked facial skin in his 40's, explains all this to me as I eat a home-coming slice. 'You know,' I say, 'your crust is amazing, but I think my mother's sauce recipe, which only I know, would really kick this slice into overdrive.'

He and another man usher me into the kitchen and suddenly we are putting my sauce on his crust. Everyone begins to rave, and we discuss taking the pizza out into the world as a franchise. Sylvester Stallone arrives and says he's heard 'about the best pizza in the world' and is here to try it. We hand him a slice and he begins to cry.

'Truly this is the best slice of pizza I have ever had,' he says. 'You must franchise and I can back you.'

A short time later, Drew Barrymore shows up to the shop and immediately locks eyes with me. 'I hear you have the best slice,' she says, 'I'm here to try it.' The shop's lights dim and soft music begins to play. Suddenly Drew and I are alone, she eating my slice in orgasmic tones, and I excitedly leaning over the counter watching.

'I want to take you out,' she says. 'Anyone with pizza this good must be very special.'

The scene abruptly changes to a coffee shop Drew swears has the best desserts ever. To our right is a gang of teenagers, pierced and tattooed, chuckling and staring at Drew. One says 'We ate it all already, bitch!' and they laugh as they exit the store. We look in the display case and only a few pastries are left, all with unappetizing names like 'Turdberry Surprise Scone' and one simply called 'Flies.' Drew begins to cry and I console her, saying 'Don't worry, my pizza is still the best you've ever had.'